"A fighting chance". Hah. Two against one? For a cause you could not bear to lose? At that point, you might as well just behead them and call it a day. It would be more merciful than making them struggle like a mouse outrunning a cat.
[But in the end...he knows it is this place that's the true enemy.]
I don't know. I don't...think I hate you. Or any of them, really. I just think that having everyone come back like this has made it easy to behave like it's just something to brush under the carpet like it meant nothing. Regardless of the reason...it still happened. I wish it didn't.
But I don't intend to act like it didn't happen. That I didn't cause all that damage. I wasn't compelled or controlled, like the expulsion. Everything I did was of my own free will and I accept the consequences I earned from doing that.
I am sorry, for all of it. But all I can do now is try to get everyone where they want to be-- to bring this to an end. If it's easier for you to avoid interacting with me, that's fine.
...It feels like the most of you got no consequences at all besides a slap on the wrist. What a nice week you had, with everyone behind you, protecting you. Why didn't you stop them, if you were so sorry about it? Our dear Otome, with blood on her hands, having the time of her life.
[He knows he's bitter. That he's saying these cruel things to hurt. Because he doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't know what else to feel. He's always been a vicious king who trampled on other's lives. It was stupid to think otherwise, that he had changed.]
[He draws his knees up to himself and buries his head in them, trying to hide his face.]
[ She doesn't flinch. She doesn't look shocked by the bitter accusations he's flinging at her. Does she want to retort immediately? Maybe.
Because she hadn't had the time of her life. Because that week had been hell and if he believes otherwise, then she's glad her smile held up.
But she says nothing because there's point in saying anything. All she does is silently sit there, hands now clasped in her lap, tears silently trickling down her face until he speaks again. ]
...What do you mean, no? I deserve to die. I don't deserve to be here. I keep fucking it up.
[And now he's the one crying into his knees, chest heaving, but it's a quiet cry, sniffling.]
Doralice, my lover, fell in love with the man who killed me. She fell in love with him, when I was bleeding out. That was the last thing I remembered. That was the last thing I ever experienced. And it's because I betrayed myself, time and time again.
[Betrayal, over and over again. Putting his heart in someone's hands and washing it be dashed away. Seeing Beau walking hand in hand with the person who took his lover away from him, and seeing them laugh, and smile, while he had nothing. And he swallowed the ugly feelings down, tried to look away, but the hurt grew, and grew, and it strangled, like a thorny vine.]
I want to forgive you, but I don't know how. I literally don't. I don't think I've ever forgiven anybody, because why would I, as a king who stupidly thought I was at the top of the world? You...you're my friend. I don't want you to cry. I hate this place for using you like a puppet. But at the same time, I...
[It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.]
7 hours later I am still not strong enough for this tag
No one deserves to die! [ Well. Apparently she's only fine with being quiet and accepting every manner of insult and method of fury only when it's directed at her. This, however?
Well, Otome isn't going to stop crying anytime soon, but at least her voice has strengthened. ]
That's-- exactly why I didn't want this! That's why I don't want you to disappear! You have so many people here who love you, Mandricardo! And you--
[ She takes a breath, fiercely shaking her head. ]
Wanting to forgive me, but wanting to lash out at me? Not wanting me to cry but knowing exactly what to say to hurt me? Hating this place but also being hurt that I did what I did, after everything you've been through? What makes you think you have to only feel one way? What makes you think you deserve death because of that?
I don't care if you're a king or a Servant, getting overwhelmed by your emotions pulling you every which way is human! You don't have to forgive me! You can be selfish!! You were betrayed before, of course this would devastate you! You care so deeply, how could it not?!
[ Again, Otome shakes her head, trying to force out the rest of her words through her sobs. ]
But I refuse to kill you! I already lost you once, don't-- don't make me do that to anyone else!
[He didn't think she would react like this. He didn't know what to even expect, honestly. But to have all of this, these words, with absolute sincerity thrown at him is...overwhelming. He can't help it. Her words are like water slamming against a dam, and his own tears start to flow openly as he shakes his head.]
Stop it! I-I hate it! I hate it! I don't want to hurt people! T-That's what I told Beau before, that...I hurt so many people when I was alive, and I don't want to do that again! That's why I swallowed it back! Pretended it was okay! But now Beau, she definitely hates me, and so many people hate me, and I was...I was an idiot, I should have just...swallowed it down. What's the point of bein' human, huh, if I can't even decide how I really feel about things?
[He's clutching his head now, shaking his head like he's in pain.]
And now, I just...I just keep makin' everything about myself! And I don't want to! You're the one who went through this mess and was used by this place! [His breath is shuddering.] You're the one who suffered! I mean, look, you were given that impossible decision and made to choose between victims, like what the hell?
[He shuts his eyes tight, as if to clamp down his tears.]
W-What do you even mean, you lost me once? And I don't...I don't want you to kill, I was just sayin'...I would've died for the sake of everyone here, easy, I wouldn't even have thought twice...
[ That's a lot to unpack and while Otome honestly likes to do her best when it comes to supporting others, her own emotions and thoughts are a swirling maelstrom right now. Is she the best person to try to help him when she's also a mess?
Absolutely not. She knows that. A lot of this is her own fault, after all.
But, instinctively, she also can't let this go. ]
The week that we lost-- that we lost Byleth and I took Wang Lu away from you, I-- told you that I didn't care about myself. And you told me that you couldn't... stand to lose me, too.
[ She blinks back more tears, even as she reaches up to place her hands on top of his, to try to encourage him not to clutch his head so hard. ]
But by making the choice I did, by agreeing to kill him, I was the one who shattered things between us. I knew I was going to lose you as someone I cared about, as a friend, and I couldn't even tell you at the time. I just, selfishly, made things worse. And I hated myself even more for it.
... If I could have died to save everyone, I would have done it in a heartbeat. It would have been better than what I ended up doing. But--
[ She laughs, and it's this watery, broken thing. ]
Are you even listening to yourself? Making everything about you? You wouldn't be hurting like this if you weren't trying so hard to understand what I went through in the first place! You and the others suffered just as much, if not more! I've seen it, just how hard you try to support people when they reach out to you, and just how much you've struggled with what to do when those people betray you! How even when you're hurting right now, you don't want to keep hurting the others!
We're-- we're alive, we're human. And as long as that remains true, there will never be a time where we don't all hurt each other for one reason or another. Especially in a place like this, that was meant to have conflict and pain. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm sure-- it's just escalated emotions talking and they don't actually hate you. But I disagree with keeping your feelings to yourself.
You-- don't have to be okay. I'm not okay. And it might be a long time before you start to even begin feeling okay again. Just-- breathe. One day at a time. The rest will come on its own.
do you ever look at a tag and it causes you emotional damage because hoo boy
[He's flummoxed almost to the point of stunned shock - the words come in, and they come out. Her hands are on his. He opens his eyes, blinking away hot tears, and just listens for a moment.]
I-It wasn't your choice though, not really, just...the choice for one out of three, but you were...trying to do the right thing...I get that...
[He says, his voice cracking, like from under a weight.]
I-I-I just want things to be okay, Otome. [But they're not. They're definitely not.] If only I could just wish it away. If only I could just...erase everything! All the pain I have, all the pain you have...
[Why, why, why...? Just for entertainment? Just because it's fun to someone else.]
Sometimes, I wish I was really just a tool for people to use. Wouldn't hurt as bad. Servants shouldn't be like this. [Broken, from the moment they're summoned.] And I don't...feel like I'm some...selfless person, here. I just want everyone to get along to make me feel better about it all, maybe.
[He doesn't know. he doesn't know anything. The heart is a terrible thing, like a monster, unable to be calmed down.]
Do you really think...........time will even help? S-so many others have already moved on.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[But in the end...he knows it is this place that's the true enemy.]
I don't know. I don't...think I hate you. Or any of them, really. I just think that having everyone come back like this has made it easy to behave like it's just something to brush under the carpet like it meant nothing. Regardless of the reason...it still happened. I wish it didn't.
no subject
But I don't intend to act like it didn't happen. That I didn't cause all that damage. I wasn't compelled or controlled, like the expulsion. Everything I did was of my own free will and I accept the consequences I earned from doing that.
I am sorry, for all of it. But all I can do now is try to get everyone where they want to be-- to bring this to an end. If it's easier for you to avoid interacting with me, that's fine.
no subject
[He knows he's bitter. That he's saying these cruel things to hurt. Because he doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't know what else to feel. He's always been a vicious king who trampled on other's lives. It was stupid to think otherwise, that he had changed.]
[He draws his knees up to himself and buries his head in them, trying to hide his face.]
I wish you had killed me instead of him.
no subject
Because she hadn't had the time of her life. Because that week had been hell and if he believes otherwise, then she's glad her smile held up.
But she says nothing because there's point in saying anything. All she does is silently sit there, hands now clasped in her lap, tears silently trickling down her face until he speaks again. ]
No.
[ it's barely a whisper. ]
no subject
[And now he's the one crying into his knees, chest heaving, but it's a quiet cry, sniffling.]
Doralice, my lover, fell in love with the man who killed me. She fell in love with him, when I was bleeding out. That was the last thing I remembered. That was the last thing I ever experienced. And it's because I betrayed myself, time and time again.
[Betrayal, over and over again. Putting his heart in someone's hands and washing it be dashed away. Seeing Beau walking hand in hand with the person who took his lover away from him, and seeing them laugh, and smile, while he had nothing. And he swallowed the ugly feelings down, tried to look away, but the hurt grew, and grew, and it strangled, like a thorny vine.]
I want to forgive you, but I don't know how. I literally don't. I don't think I've ever forgiven anybody, because why would I, as a king who stupidly thought I was at the top of the world? You...you're my friend. I don't want you to cry. I hate this place for using you like a puppet. But at the same time, I...
[It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.]
7 hours later I am still not strong enough for this tag
Well, Otome isn't going to stop crying anytime soon, but at least her voice has strengthened. ]
That's-- exactly why I didn't want this! That's why I don't want you to disappear! You have so many people here who love you, Mandricardo! And you--
[ She takes a breath, fiercely shaking her head. ]
Wanting to forgive me, but wanting to lash out at me? Not wanting me to cry but knowing exactly what to say to hurt me? Hating this place but also being hurt that I did what I did, after everything you've been through? What makes you think you have to only feel one way? What makes you think you deserve death because of that?
I don't care if you're a king or a Servant, getting overwhelmed by your emotions pulling you every which way is human! You don't have to forgive me! You can be selfish!! You were betrayed before, of course this would devastate you! You care so deeply, how could it not?!
[ Again, Otome shakes her head, trying to force out the rest of her words through her sobs. ]
But I refuse to kill you! I already lost you once, don't-- don't make me do that to anyone else!
I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THIS THREAD IN GENERAL
[He didn't think she would react like this. He didn't know what to even expect, honestly. But to have all of this, these words, with absolute sincerity thrown at him is...overwhelming. He can't help it. Her words are like water slamming against a dam, and his own tears start to flow openly as he shakes his head.]
Stop it! I-I hate it! I hate it! I don't want to hurt people! T-That's what I told Beau before, that...I hurt so many people when I was alive, and I don't want to do that again! That's why I swallowed it back! Pretended it was okay! But now Beau, she definitely hates me, and so many people hate me, and I was...I was an idiot, I should have just...swallowed it down. What's the point of bein' human, huh, if I can't even decide how I really feel about things?
[He's clutching his head now, shaking his head like he's in pain.]
And now, I just...I just keep makin' everything about myself! And I don't want to! You're the one who went through this mess and was used by this place! [His breath is shuddering.] You're the one who suffered! I mean, look, you were given that impossible decision and made to choose between victims, like what the hell?
[He shuts his eyes tight, as if to clamp down his tears.]
W-What do you even mean, you lost me once? And I don't...I don't want you to kill, I was just sayin'...I would've died for the sake of everyone here, easy, I wouldn't even have thought twice...
no subject
Absolutely not. She knows that. A lot of this is her own fault, after all.
But, instinctively, she also can't let this go. ]
The week that we lost-- that we lost Byleth and I took Wang Lu away from you, I-- told you that I didn't care about myself. And you told me that you couldn't... stand to lose me, too.
[ She blinks back more tears, even as she reaches up to place her hands on top of his, to try to encourage him not to clutch his head so hard. ]
But by making the choice I did, by agreeing to kill him, I was the one who shattered things between us. I knew I was going to lose you as someone I cared about, as a friend, and I couldn't even tell you at the time. I just, selfishly, made things worse. And I hated myself even more for it.
... If I could have died to save everyone, I would have done it in a heartbeat. It would have been better than what I ended up doing. But--
[ She laughs, and it's this watery, broken thing. ]
Are you even listening to yourself? Making everything about you? You wouldn't be hurting like this if you weren't trying so hard to understand what I went through in the first place! You and the others suffered just as much, if not more! I've seen it, just how hard you try to support people when they reach out to you, and just how much you've struggled with what to do when those people betray you! How even when you're hurting right now, you don't want to keep hurting the others!
We're-- we're alive, we're human. And as long as that remains true, there will never be a time where we don't all hurt each other for one reason or another. Especially in a place like this, that was meant to have conflict and pain. I can't speak for anyone else, but I'm sure-- it's just escalated emotions talking and they don't actually hate you. But I disagree with keeping your feelings to yourself.
You-- don't have to be okay. I'm not okay. And it might be a long time before you start to even begin feeling okay again. Just-- breathe. One day at a time. The rest will come on its own.
do you ever look at a tag and it causes you emotional damage because hoo boy
I-It wasn't your choice though, not really, just...the choice for one out of three, but you were...trying to do the right thing...I get that...
[He says, his voice cracking, like from under a weight.]
I-I-I just want things to be okay, Otome. [But they're not. They're definitely not.] If only I could just wish it away. If only I could just...erase everything! All the pain I have, all the pain you have...
[Why, why, why...? Just for entertainment? Just because it's fun to someone else.]
Sometimes, I wish I was really just a tool for people to use. Wouldn't hurt as bad. Servants shouldn't be like this. [Broken, from the moment they're summoned.] And I don't...feel like I'm some...selfless person, here. I just want everyone to get along to make me feel better about it all, maybe.
[He doesn't know. he doesn't know anything. The heart is a terrible thing, like a monster, unable to be calmed down.]
Do you really think...........time will even help? S-so many others have already moved on.
[And yet here he is. Stuck.]